5. Functional Checklist by Babs

A guest blog post by a friend to Red Velvet Revelry.

At the start of 2020, I thought that there might possibly or maybe, be a slight chance that I would step way out of my comfort zone and see if I had the courage to go dating again.  It had been a very long time since I had dated anyone, let alone been in what one might call a relationship. 

A friend encouraged me to make a ‘vision’ board, really just a list with pictures of what I would want from a future relationship/man.  I thought about it, talked to friends and eventually came up with what I thought was a very good list.   The friend took one look at it and declared it to be a functional checklist. 

‘Where is the passion?’ She asked.  

“I don’t do passion” was my simple response.  That word and phrase has come up consistently this year to bite me. 

Despite lockdown I met a very nice man. We connected very well through zoom and texts.  A lovely lunch with a mutual friend actually made me think that here was someone I wanted to get to know more.  The first man who I thought I might want to…..kiss.  Or be kissed by.  Weeks went by and it was like being teenagers again. We would chat regularly via text, WhatsApp and zoom.  At our first chance we arranged to have dinner together.  Yes,  dinner in a restaurant.  Who would have ever thought that would be a big deal?  It was.

I was giddy with excitement.  Not usually something I would say I had felt before or certainly didn’t remember. The signs were good.  I didn’t worry that we would run out of conversation.  We met and had a really lovely evening. He ticked the majority of boxes on my functional checklist.   Except for that one thing.  I didn’t feel any kind of chemistry. Or passion as my friend would say.

I drove home disappointed and a little sad.  It had taken me a long time to pluck up the courage to have dinner.  I still couldn’t call it a date.  We are still very much friends and I think he would like more.  For me, that evening has brought up many thoughts,  feelings and reflections on my old relationships.

He really is a lovely, kind man.  In my early fifties is that enough?  Should I expect some level of heart pounding or bells ringing?  Or should I just be glad that someone wants to date me?  Or finds me attractive?

You see as a result of  this experience I realised for the first time ever, that  I don’t remember any of my adult relationships having passion or chemistry. They had been all with men who had been friends, and we kind of fell into dating.   I also recognised that I felt lonely at times when I was in relationships yet when I have been on my own I haven’t.  Yes there has been plenty of times that I missed having someone there to share things with, but being alone didn’t worry me.   I have a very active social life and before lockdown, travelled extensively. 

And so, I realised that I don’t want to compromise and start another relationship where actually that passion or chemistry is missing at the start. 

This is not where the story ends, it is actually where it begins….

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